26.1.10

i seek ...





I believe or seem to think these days that before now, I have lived my life for something or someone … in awe of something or someone … and that its only now that I am truly coming into my own and living on my own, for myself, by myself … and I seem to be perfectly comfortable with it, I seem to be at ease, I seem to be enjoying it!

I don’t know if this is the truth or some pretty idea in my head that will metamorphose into something else, something bigger, someday soon!

… The reason I believe this is because before I took this “sabbatical” from TV and started writing (small time) I would get out of the house everyday and in the process create elaborate alternate realities in my head … escape routes to worlds other than the real one, and its in these worlds and these worlds only that I felt comfortable enough to live, and breathe.

The last year when I worked from home and kept to myself mostly I didn’t feel the need to exist in these imaginary worlds. I lived in the comfort of my home and not ‘fake realities’ and therefore felt less prone to alternate worlds, love lives, existences etc. etc. (am I still making sense) … And I felt stronger, braver, and better equipped to deal with the ups and downs of the real world … I did at the same time become more stringent in my beliefs and points of view … I became less of a bendy-pencil than I’d ever been! I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not …

Then I set off for this trip … and I was less moved by what was going on around me or what I was going through than I normally would have … I don’t know whether or not that has been a good thing or feeling …

I feel completely unaffected and unfazed by this two month holiday that I took in parts of the world that I had never seen before …

All through my journey I kept hoping that I would feel, truly feel the pulse of the journey and its affect on me in retrospect … but that trip hasn’t kicked in yet … or has it?

I want to look back … and really feel it … really feel what it was like being there, being in those places; and be able to live vicariously through the memories … but if I didn’t feel enough whilst I was visiting those places … will I be able to feel enough in retrospect?

I hope I do! I hope I do feel enough!

Or else I am lost … I am lost for good … and even though the past year may have worked wonders in making me understand many things about this world we live in … it may have worked against my nature and made me forget vital things that make me function as me … that make me, me … that make my craziness curious enough … worthy of notice … worthy at all!

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4 comments:

PJ said...

Great piece again. I am sure it will kick in soon. Wait and see...

sacredeastwind said...

Interesting comment. Who are you :)

solitary reaper said...

In retrospection everything is beautiful. For, we tend to view the shine thru the shroud. We often nurse, In retrospection the childhood we lost, the adolescence slipped off, with a longing n a smile…
In observation we convert even the ugly to gorgeous… that’s the secret of time.

sacredeastwind said...

wow! ch'mma you're right. you're absolutely right. you put it in words for me. that's why i feel better in retrospect, write better. i think i live in retrospect ... :)