i seek ...

I believe or seem to think these days that before now, I have lived my life for something or someone … in awe of something or someone … and that its only now that I am truly coming into my own and living on my own, for myself, by myself … and I seem to be perfectly comfortable with it, I seem to be at ease, I seem to be enjoying it!

I don’t know if this is the truth or some pretty idea in my head that will metamorphose into something else, something bigger, someday soon!

… The reason I believe this is because before I took this “sabbatical” from TV and started writing (small time) I would get out of the house everyday and in the process create elaborate alternate realities in my head … escape routes to worlds other than the real one, and its in these worlds and these worlds only that I felt comfortable enough to live, and breathe.

The last year when I worked from home and kept to myself mostly I didn’t feel the need to exist in these imaginary worlds. I lived in the comfort of my home and not ‘fake realities’ and therefore felt less prone to alternate worlds, love lives, existences etc. etc. (am I still making sense) … And I felt stronger, braver, and better equipped to deal with the ups and downs of the real world … I did at the same time become more stringent in my beliefs and points of view … I became less of a bendy-pencil than I’d ever been! I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not …

Then I set off for this trip … and I was less moved by what was going on around me or what I was going through than I normally would have … I don’t know whether or not that has been a good thing or feeling …

I feel completely unaffected and unfazed by this two month holiday that I took in parts of the world that I had never seen before …

All through my journey I kept hoping that I would feel, truly feel the pulse of the journey and its affect on me in retrospect … but that trip hasn’t kicked in yet … or has it?

I want to look back … and really feel it … really feel what it was like being there, being in those places; and be able to live vicariously through the memories … but if I didn’t feel enough whilst I was visiting those places … will I be able to feel enough in retrospect?

I hope I do! I hope I do feel enough!

Or else I am lost … I am lost for good … and even though the past year may have worked wonders in making me understand many things about this world we live in … it may have worked against my nature and made me forget vital things that make me function as me … that make me, me … that make my craziness curious enough … worthy of notice … worthy at all!

i seek ...