A Happy Birthday!

What makes for a good birthday?

The way I see it, a good birthday is a proper holiday for the person who’s birthday it is. It’s a day when they can sit back and relax and be pampered! A proper holiday! (Can’t say the word holiday enough times.)

Although I would like to stick to this utopian dream every year and allow those around me to indulge me, and treat me supersized-supersweet, unfortunately I am not allowed such liberties! Why, you ask. Well, simply because my birthday is on the 31st of December, the day the whole world, and not just my immediate world is hopped up on sugar and excitement to party the night away with their “loved ones” into the New Year.

Now, I must surely have some loved ones who want to party the night away with me, you would say! Yes, you would be correct in saying that but the thing is … the thing is … what is the thing?

Well, the thing is complicated, there are multifarious issues involved on various levels, and it has taken me 26 years to figure the whole thing out and see the light … Of course, I don’t expect you to see my point of view or understand it in 10 minutes but here goes …

The thing is, my immediate loved ones do try and make the day special for me as per their convenience and rightfully so … they or my second-immediate loved ones have every right to spend new year’s eve the way they want to; to add to the pressure of planning a good new year’s eve party they also try and make my day a bit exciting, but that’s exactly where the problem lies … whatever they do on this day for me – is always second-hand! There’s always something else that they have to do and amidst it, manage time for me …

If they ask me whether or not there is something special that I would like on my birthday, my answer usually is ‘no, no, not at all!’ but I don’t really mean that. The honest truth is, just like anyone else, deep inside I do want them to do something special for me, I do want them to give up their plans for me, I do want them to spend the whole day hovering around me, making me smile, giggle, talk, do silly things … I don’t really care for the presents because honestly no one ever gets the presents right unless the person who the present is for has told them what to get … and that is what I do not like to do … I do not like to ask for things … I do not like to say ‘I want a chest for my room, I want a mirror for my bathroom, I want good stationery, I want a bunch of good films, I want to spend the whole day drinking, eating and making merry with my friends, I want to spend the whole day in the countryside’ … If I have to ask for it, then its not really fun is it, there is no surprise element, there is no welling up (oh my! I can’t believe you knew this is the book I wanted to read next, or the film I wanted to watch, or the cake I wanted to eat) …

But … asking people to give up their other plans entirely is asking for a bit much! Don’t worry, I’m aware of that … moreover do I do the same for them? I don’t think so … I just manage (most of the times) to make it to their birthday parties … but the thing is, all year round I try and do these tiny things … these tiny selfless acts of help/ goodwill etc. etc. in the hope that karma will round them up … and bring them back to me on my birthday … apparently (I realize that now) it doesn’t work like that, karma told me … because a) I am performing those ‘selfless acts’ for a selfish reason and b) they cannot come back to me on a specific day!!! I don’t understand why but they just can’t … Karma needs to work on its terms and conditions – they aren’t really consumer friendly, are they?

Anyway, four years ago I stumbled upon the perfect antidote to this dilemma … ‘running away from everyone I know’ … I hadn’t planned it, it just happened. In the winter of 2005 I was sent on a work trip and I was more than happy to go since we were going to a beautiful part of the country for a wildlife shoot schedule, my favourite thing to do, next only to writing …

On the 31st that year my adorable colleagues did their bit to make my day, by going through much to find a birthday cake (since all the cakes they came across were new year’s eve cakes, so they got ‘happy new year’ scrapped off one of the cakes and had ‘happy birthday’ written on it instead). It was a lovely cake indeed … but I remember I did have some issues with them later on, not wanting to go out at night with me in a random city full of rowdy high-on-testosterone-and-alcohol men on the streets …

But somewhere before or between that lovely cake and that disappointment of not going out at night … we went out to do some filming … And at some point, I think it was late afternoon, I found myself alone at the banks of the river Brahmaputra … and I found myself staring into the little whirlpools forming in the river … and I found myself staring into the setting sun … and I found myself in a completely and utterly tranquil state of being … I was fortunate enough to acknowledge that moment and realize what matters most … what makes a good day … what makes a good birthday …

The next year, I was fortunate enough to go to Kerala around my birthday … On the day of, my closest friend drove us around North Kerala … our mission – Beach Hopping! Although there were some things on that lovely day that didn’t go my way (remember my idea of a good birthday is that things always DO go the birthday person’s way!) there was a moment that did … a moment entirely mine and mine alone … a moment at one of the beaches with the sun setting, the sky all pinkish orange, the beach completely empty … and my heart at one with the voice of the ocean …

I guess what I am trying to say is that I realize now that the only way to enjoy my birthday (which is after all an important day for me) is to be at one with nature … even if for a moment, for just a moment …

This year I couldn’t have that … I am at home, in Delhi … I don’t know where to be ‘one with nature’ anywhere in this city being smothered by smog more and more each day … does that make me an unhappy person? No! I am all right … I’ve just come back from a long vacation and I am happy to spend my day reminiscing earlier happy birthdays and this holiday …

But next year I will need to get away … !!!

A Happy Birthday!

a night about london town ...

So Pampelonne, France was absolutely wonderful as can be seen in the pictures in the previous post. One whole week of absolute and perfect tranquillity … but I didn’t do as much work as I should have done there … perhaps because I just had a week there … perhaps if I had more time … there are always conditions, and excuses but things go the way they do, or you choose for them to go … anyway more about that later perhaps …

From France I came to Leicester, UK … spent two more tranquil weeks after a couple of days of miserable journey through france and Switzerland (yeah!) … was in culinary heaven at me bua’s (aunt’s) after many many days of eating misery-inducing bland European food …

And then came to London … been here about 2 weeks and a few days minus a trip back to Leicester to recover from a tiny bout of cold …

Clearly haven’t written much at all since I left France … and yes, that fact does bother me. Its partly because I haven’t had easy wireless access all this time … but also because some part of me has been lost … yet again!

Although a part of my brain knows that the first step to writing is actually sitting down to write … so whether it’s the slacker in me that’s been keeping me away from my computer or something else … I really can’t tell …

But I can tell that I have been scribbling in my little moleskin diary that I picked up in Leicester … its beautiful and my new comfort thing besides my laptop and the scarf that I wear ‘all the time’ (read – even when I am in a stuffy bar, feeling supremely hot!)

So what does my diary say? It says a lot about how I’ve been trying to make up my mind about London and the UK in general … and how I can’t make up my mind … how I cannot tell whether or not or how much I like the city, the island …

I heard or read somewhere … ‘my first impression of London was that it’s a scary city’ … that’s when it hit me that it is … although I come from a big city in India, London’s intensity scares me … it’s big, grey, and daunting … its accepting, receptive and yet its not … its constantly moving at super speed and my mind and body run at a speed much slower than that of this city … despite all that I like it for my friends who live in it … its as if I have these comfort pillows marking the topography of this big bad bog … and these comfort pillows are making my stay here much warmer and fuzzier than it would have been, had I been here alone …

It was on the 7th of December that I was walking around London aimlessly … yet again! At about 3 pm I found myself outside the British Museum … I went in without really caring much for what was inside, I simply needed shelter from the rain … I did find shelter but I didn’t find any warmth … As I speedily browsed through Egyptian history and historical Mexican prints, I was beginning to feel restless … I don’t think I can enjoy history without company … think Iks is perfect company for something like that, think she makes history fun with her bizarre, introspective renditions …

Very soon I was out of the museum … After a longish stint at Costa’s and a diary entry complimented by an lemon and orange muffin and a black coffee … I started walking around mindlessly again … This time I at least knew where I was … I walked through Covent Garden, Cambridge Square, Leicester Square, and a bit of China Town … came across some interesting book shops (occult books, art books, second-hand books etc. etc.) … I didn’t buy any … I was in one of those ‘I will go back to each of these book stores’ mode … I don’t really know if I will …

Then I walked to the Leicester Square Underground station … I was headed to Chalk Farm, to a concert at a bar across the Chalk Farm Station … friends of friends of friends were playing … and friends were joining me …

I was the first one to reach the bar, its called ‘the enterprise’ … I walked in after finishing my dinner whilst walking around Chalk Farm … dinner was mustard and ham sandwiches and a chocolate … feels like chocolates are cheap here … a mars bar costs 99 p and you only have to hand over one coin to the man across the counter … but that one coin back home converts into 78 – 79 rupees … you can get a super-yum chicken kaathi roll, and a soft drink for the price of that mars bar … Don’t worry dear friend, I have stopped converting or else I wouldn’t be able to eat peacefully here … but there are moments when you just can’t help it …

Into the bar, buy myself a pint of Carlsberg, and climb up to the smaller first floor area where the concert is … concert seems too big a word for the small venue … I walk in and a local (Camden, London) version of John Mayer is singing a song called ‘Stranger’ … he’s got soul … his guitar, his voice reeks of soft emotions … his eyes seek ‘Strangers’ in the audience whilst he sings his song … beautiful lyrics string his chorus into a perfectly radiant, sweet smelling chorus … I later ask him his name … He says ‘I’m Jonathan Whiskerd’, jots down my email address on his blackberry and emails me his myspace link … Sigh!

Next up is a band with a very sweet girl as the lead singer … she sings songs about love, boys, break-ups, getting over boys, getting into (no pun intended) boys … she has a sweet husky voice but not enough to tug at my heart strings (my apologies) … she has a back up vocalist and this girl’s voice is strong and slightly more enticing … I am distracted by her voice every time she sings a line or two …

Enter Shabani – a friend from Delhi. She and I worked together on a Londonese project shot in India for Channel 4 … We’ve never met socially in Delhi … but we are doing so now, considering we are in a foreign city at the same time … its brought us close and we realize we have a lot more in common than we would have expected … Shabani is a very intriguing person, she is her own person and she has gumption … you should meet her!

She is filming the band that is next up as she knows them through a friend … the band is made up of two extremely beautiful (cute is too small a word for these boys) boys from Verona … being in London is their first big city experience … and they exude the fact in the presence which seems to be completely unblemished and unpolluted by a big city environment … their drummer isn’t their regular drummer and is a big tight whilst playing … which makes his actual playing sort of loose … he is giving it his all nonetheless … and he looks like Hari Kunzru (the writer) which makes him interesting enough … whenever I or Shabani or her friend Surbhi (an artist) can take our eyes off the Verona boys that is … the lead singer and guitarist has such refreshing pleasance in his being and playing that I feel awake … and strangely refreshed … the bass player exudes an amazing sense of youthful playfulness … I am clearly talking about their looks more than their music … their music is intriguing … they are trying to do interesting non-run-of-the-mill arrangements but they do have scope for more … something more …

Next up is a very sweet band made up of 4 very sweet boys …



they sing really sweet and soulful songs … each of their songs is different from the previous one … they know their music … they use a big acoustic bass … and the singer sings like a wise man, beyond his years … their music makes me want to close my eyes and let it touch my soul … and it does – right when he leaves the stage and along with the bass player sits amongst us as we circle around them, starts playing a Spanish guitar and singing a song about … ‘you’ve been waiting for me to bring you back home’ … or so I would like to remember … I would like to remember that that was the first line of the song … I would like to remember him singing that line forever … even when I am home and I am sitting with my eyes closed thinking of this night when I closed my eyes in a bar in London … I would like that line to be with me, to stay with me …

Next up is a band that plays some really funky music, and makes every one stand up and jump around, and play, and dance, and shake a leg to their music … they’re a tight band, they will be popular, they are popular … they intrigue and connect and entertain … but I will be honest and will say that it’s a short lived high … the thing that will remain with me though will be the girl lead saying at the end of one song ‘did you see that? Did you see the microphone stand trying to attack me?’ …

Its 11. The bar shuts. We go outside and drink another beer with Dara, the bassist of a now defunct band called ‘Envision’ from New Delhi … a band everyone loved when they were around … a band that everyone loves even now I think …



Dave, Surbhi, Shabani, Dara ...


There’s Surbhi too – Shabani’s closest friend from college and a very, very warm person and an artist which makes me fall in love with her instantly … I am a bit of a fickle wh*** in that regard … I don’t understand art (I’m on stage 1) but I respect it and therefore respect any artist … think they dig deeper and know more about the secrets of the universe than writers do : )
… and of course there’s Dave – my London mentor … Dave is (refreshingly) one person from London who actually knows the city really well … he is a blessing to be around for anyone who is looking to do the non-touristy beat … and I wish I’d listen to him more often, move out of my comfort zones and experience the city … but alas! If only life was that simple …

As we stand outside the bar and talk about the city, the accents, the tea, Delhi, the Delhi music scene, Envision, another band that Dara played for called Orange Street, the music that night, the music in New Delhi, concerts, plays, travelling, and on and on … I am still somewhere else … I come back when we talk about music back home, not fully but slightly …

Dave leaves, so does Surbhi … and we go for another drink somewhere nearby … I’m not afraid about missing the last train … its midnight and I have missed the last train … I’m staying with Shabani in her London apartment for the night … I like how easily I’ve taken that decision here … I don’t have to call my parents and go through a tiresome discussion with them about staying out for the night … about my safety, about this, that, and the other … I feel light and a little lively …

Dara talks about London and explains the concept of child benefits etc. etc. Shabani and I almost want to have children that very night and reap benefits … best mothers for benefits … : P … bad joke, I know … I usually wouldn’t make jokes about motherhood … perhaps you can forgive this one instance …

At some point we take a taxi back home … after another session of chit-chat we are off to sleep … the next morning we wake up … some more chit chat and we are off to our individual destinations … She walks to her office … and I walk to the train station with her, which is near her office … I say goodbye to her, we’re meeting again soon … I’m extremely grateful to her for being such a lovely host but she goes on to thank me for joining her … I cannot believe this girl … : )

I am now on my own … travelling from North London to South London to go back to my cousin’s {deepidi’s = Deepty (her name) + didi (meaning sister)} apartment to take a shower and get into some clean, non-stinky clothes … (I’m growing old and intractable, and so are my issues with being stinky : ) To get to my cousin’s apartment in South London I have to take an overground train, then an underground train and then again an overground train, and then walk to her apartment … the walk takes about 20 minutes if you maintain a constant decent pace, you go slow and thou shalt take almost 30 … the train journey takes an hour fifteen minutes if your timing is right and there’s no waiting involved … it’s a bit annoying the fact that my friends live so far away from my cousin’s … shouldn’t be like that (a take off on ‘you shouldn’t be here’ ;) - dips! Respect maan!)

On my journey back I start listening to ‘Higher Speed’ by Coldplay and ‘Wild Horses’ – the Alicia Keys and Adam Levine version … both these songs on repeat start permeating into my blood stream … taking me into another dimension that is liberally spiked with unsettling yet deeply attractive emotions … a dimension where I can feel powerful things without moving a muscle … almost feels like I am not breathing anymore … and I am floating in this train almost catching up with its speed at some point … I feel like I belong … in this overground train the wilderness around transports me back to the wilderness of the forest where I was listening to these very songs on repeat exactly four years ago … where I was feeling these emotions that I am now feeling again, in this strange land full of strange isolated people … where I felt like I belonged, I felt earthed, grounded, rooted and yet not … where I felt at home … where I felt like I was my own person and I didn’t need anyone or anything to make me whole … where life was bliss, where I was blessed … where nothing else mattered …

The train stops … I must get out and start walking … but I am happy to walk … this moment cannot last forever … I have to move my muscles, my body, and get out of my seat … I must … but why do I still feel like I am floating … I am walking now …

Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady you know who I am
You know I can't let you slide through my hands
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away


In my heart …somewhere deep inside … I am thanking everyone for last night … I don’t know how, I don’t know why … but clearly last night has affected me … it will stay with me …

I think I am beginning to learn to use everything I experience in my writing … perhaps that’s why I want to thank everyone … or it could just be something as simple as nostalgia … how the music last night reminded me of the time when I was actively involved with music … nostalgia is beautiful, its invigorating, enlivening … sometimes its my everything …

thank you everyone for that night …

Can anybody fly this thing?
Before my head explodes.
Or my head starts to ring.
We've been living life inside a bubble.
We've been living life inside a bubble.
.
Confidence in you,
Is confidence in me?
Is confidence in high speed?

Can anybody stop this thing?
Before my head explodes.
Or my head starts to ring.
We've been living life inside a bubble.
We've been living life inside a bubble.

Confidence in you.
Is confidence in me
Is confidence in high speed
Is confidence in a higher speed …

a night about london town ...